Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Emotional Integrity

I really enjoy fleshing out my website. Posting content here feels like building something. I like the creative process. I also like looking at the “legacy” of my writing.
I have been blogging since 2005. Much has changed in that time. My blog has had 5 or 6 different titles. I have been single, married, divorced, remarried, estranged, and in limbo. I have had good jobs with a full bank account and been unemployed and broke.
As for things happening during the last 13 years, I have written a lot more about the losses than the gains. When I read through posts from 2014 and 2015 I am ashamed of myself. I used my blog as an emotional dumping ground without knowing the whole situation. I will say that if you read those posts remember there are two sides to every story.
The other thing to remember is that reality is based on perception. Perception often changes. Reality is dragged right on behind it. You can find yourself in a very personal Hell when your perception is suddenly corrected.
Why, then, would I want to post up old blogs that I have written? Things have changed so much. Wouldn’t it be better to only show one side of the story?
No. I believe in integrity. Own it when you are right, but also own it when you are wrong.
Here are a couple of examples:
Elizabeth, who I have written about often, is no longer my friend. More accurately, she won’t speak to me. I am blocked on all social media, via phone, and email. I have no way to repair the situation. There are tons of pictures and blog posts where she is central to the story. Now, she has put herself out of my life and the life of my family. I find it so cruel and cold-hearted that I have trouble considering her any kind of loss. She wasn’t the first person to make it clear it was her way or the highway, but most people lack the capacity for cutting away other people so completely.
Ashley, the ex-wife I complained about dumping me so suddenly, is back in my life. The reason behind her leaving was nothing close to the rumors I was hearing at the time. We are reconciled and she is my best friend. The harm I believed she did me is certainly silly now that I know the whole story. I was more at fault than I knew at the time. My own immaturity in response to her leaving caused both of us tons of hurt. Still, when Mom died, Ashley (and her family) put aside the past and showed up for me and mine. There have been days (like Elizabeth losing her mind on me) I wouldn’t have processed without Ashley to help.
I think the moral take away here is that I can easily misjudge people and their motivations. It is certainly possible that Elizabeth could message me tomorrow and we could reconcile (I have major doubts that this will ever happen). I hesitate to count anyone out or judge people too harshly. I don’t like people assuming the worst of me. I have made my share of mistakes.
I will continue to post up my old blog posts. Just keep in mind that my feelings at that time may not be my feelings now. Hopefully, there is a growing understanding and maturity that shows from 2005 to 2018. I like the idea that my flaws are getting better with time.
As another example, I gave up Magic the Gathering in the wake of leaving the gaming world. Tons of my old posts talk about Magic. As I write them up I miss playing. I don’t miss it quite enough to undertake the investment of time and money to get back in the game, but there is a fondness there none the less.
Could I end up playing Magic again? Sure. Am I going to add content to my website with decklists for Magic and Arkham Horror? Absolutely. That is probably my project for the day. Will I regret that eventually? Probably.
I guess, to sum this rambling mess up, that I change. My interests and feelings change with me. That doesn’t make anything I have felt in the past wrong, necessarily. I just didn’t know better at the time. God knows, I could write 100,000 words just updating and correcting things I have said before now.

I hope you all are enjoying the blog.

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