Thursday, August 23, 2018

Making yourself scarce

I find it impossible to believe that there is not life beyond death. The basis of this faith is that I have never stopped observing, learning, and evolving. It would be such a profound waste for all of that to simply vanish at some point. I admit I do often learn a lesson and then apply it to my life, but I think that life all builds toward something greater beyond the comprehension of the living. I guess that is why I am a self styled philosopher. It is why I write. It is also why my little blog reads like the diary of a romantic mad man.
In my last post I talked about comfort being the enemy. I really internalized that lesson in a profound way. I am hitting the gym six days a week. I walk, jog, bike, squat, lift, and generally hustle. A side effect of this time spent being uncomfortable (other than the smaller belly and better cardiovascular health) is that I am much less available. I did not expect that to be such a powerful thing. I had forgot the law of supply and demand.
The law of supply and demand is an economic theory. It is stated as follows:
"The law of supply and demand is a theory that explains the interaction between the supply of a resource and the demand for that resource. The theory defines the effect that the availability of a particular product and the desire (or demand) for that product has on its price. Generally, low supply and high demand increase price. In contrast, the greater the supply and the lower the demand, the price tends to fall."
I realized rather young that the more available I made myself the less value I had in most people's lives. I had contrasting examples with my parents. Many people do. My Mom stayed at home at spent absolutely every minute of time with me that she could. My Dad on the other hand worked full time, was in college full time, and spent his tiny bit of at home time trying to maintain the house and get the chores done. Guess who's attention I fought for? Super unfair to my Mom, I know, but in my little brain I could see her any old time.
When I started dating I forgot this concept completely. I flooded my love interests with my time and attention. The result? They got bored and moved on. Who can really blame them? They could come back to me at any time and I would make myself totally ready and available for their needs. I even made the mistake of ignoring my friends and family for these people. That bred an imbalanced sense of their importance in my life. My behaviors turned those relationships toxic all too quickly.
Someone reading this right now is thinking," Oh, ok. To get his or her attention all I need to do is play hard to get and be more aloof. After all, absence does make the heart grow fonder." No. wrong. Wrong. WRONG! This is playing a game. This type of behavior spawned the concept of feminine wiles. Who looks for a relationship with a wily partner?
The proper answer is a life balance. Occupy your life with your own genuine interests. Have friends and family that are important to you that actually productively occupy your time and attention. Have your romantic interest fit into your spare time rather than surrender the balance of the power to them. Make absolutely no mistake, the person you are sitting around waiting for has some power over you. Are they really worthy of that?
I am not saying that you cannot make concessions. The idea here though is a mutual compromise. It isn't one person doing all of the giving. Sacrificing time that could be spent doing something is a HUGE thing. In fact, it is the most valuable thing. I can replace money. I can fix or replace broken stuff. I have no way to give anyone back time. Appreciate the time that people give you and be sure not to take advantage of it or, worse still, take it for granted.
Because I am aware of this concept I am very, very cautious of people who are super eager to spend all their time with me. Do you not have a job? Do you not have people? Does no one else want to spend time with you? These things are red flags. Pay careful attention to them.
Some of the most rewarding relationships I have ever had were very difficult to coordinate because we were both extremely busy with lives of our own. Making a life together then is a major decision and you both respect that fact and do not take it lightly.
This is a valuable thing to remember.

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